[Insert specific but not overreaching personalization here]
As a paramedic, it’s Jocelyn Campbell’s job to take weird and terrible things in stride. Interstate pileups, her PTSD dreams, or handling her only relative’s death--no problem. However, getting chunked back to the 16th century by a cursed inheritance isn’t exactly her normal flavor of weird.
She hasn’t gone insane, at least not yet. And she is in Scotland, if her attractive but irritated discoverer Cayden MacLeod is any indication. Her Nikes convince him she actually is from the future, while her unladylike cursing solicits his appalled help in returning her to it--ASAP.
Luckily, Samhain, a time when the Fae and spirits walk the earth freely, is coming, and there might just be enough magick in the air to poof her back home. The trick will be staying alive until then, because after she learns why she hopped the interdimensional crazy train, things aren’t looking so hot: turns out she’s got a used soul from an ancient warrior queen, and her time-traveling means something really bad is about to happen to clan MacLeod. The fact that she’s supposed to save the day is awesome. That her soul is probably doomed…yeah, not so much.
The more she learns about her soul’s past, the clearer the threat becomes—a horrible history is repeating itself, and the first signs are already occurring. Falling in love with the MacLeod chief doesn’t help, because faced with almost certain death in the 16th century, staying doesn’t seem like much of an option…but neither does returning to her empty existence in the 21st.
THE PAINTED QUEEN is a paranormal romance novel complete at 95,000 words that would appeal to the readers of Karen Marie Moning and Diana Gabaldon. I have included the first X pages/chapters (whichever is specified) for your consideration and look forward to hearing from you.
Lydia's Comments
Dear WonderfulAgentPerson:
[Insert specific but not overreaching personalization here]
As a paramedic, it’s Jocelyn Campbell’s job to take weird and terrible things in stride. {My first thought here was that this isn't her "job" as a paramedic. I'd suggest rewriting the sentence to remove the phrase that it's her job to do this, and simply imply that her job entails this.}
If you can find a way to slip the MacLeod character into another paragraph, the rest of the above paragraph isn't necessary. (I moved Scotland up to the first paragraph, so the setting is clear from the start.)
Luckily, Samhain, a time when the Fae and spirits walk the earth freely, is coming, and there might just be enough magick in the air to poof her back home. The trick will be staying alive until then, because after she learns why she hopped the interdimensional crazy train, things aren’t looking so hot: turns out she’s got a used soul from an ancient warrior queen, and her time-traveling means something really bad is about to happen to clan MacLeod. {Too vague for my taste.} The fact that she’s supposed to save the day is awesome. That her soul is probably doomed…yeah, not so much.
The more she learns about her soul’s past, the clearer the threat becomes—a horrible history is repeating itself, and the first signs are already occurring. Falling in love with the MacLeod chief doesn’t help, because faced with almost certain death in the 16th century, staying doesn’t seem like much of an option…but neither does returning to her empty existence in the 21st. {I like the choice you highlight at the end here-- either stay in the past or return to the present/future-- but the rest of the paragraph feels extraneous.}
THE PAINTED QUEEN is a paranormal romance novel complete at 95,000 words that would appeal to the readers of Karen Marie Moning and Diana Gabaldon. I have included the first X pages/chapters (whichever is specified) for your consideration and look forward to hearing from you.
Overall this a good query. It just needs a few more tweaks to make it great. Clarify the inciting incident at the beginning and the threat at the end, and tighten up the wording throughout.
Thank you so much for offering your query for public critique. Good luck with this!
Does anyone else have any comments or suggestions for our brave writer-friend?
Happy Writing,
~Lydia
Interesting story...and I think you covered it.
ReplyDeleteI don't have any advice, but I wanted to chime in to say that the plot sounds intriguing. I'd be tempted to learn more about this story - and I don't generally read romances!
ReplyDeleteSomething in this query caught my eye, and perhaps you have the answer: The spelling of "magick." I can see where it would be appropriate in the book, but what about in the query? Should the spelling be "magic" in this first presentation? Does it matter? Thanks!
Nope, doesn't matter. That's an extremely minor thing, in my opinion. It didn't confuse me or distract me. The meaning of the word and the sentence were clear.
DeleteI'd say it's a great start, I am intrigued by the set-up and I don't read romances or paranormal. I wonder about the "getting chunked back" Could you maybe give us some more about what chunking is, and possibly hint at why it's her being chunked and not some other person? Just a thought. Best of luck to you.
ReplyDeleteGood critique. I was thinking that she needed to make the setting clear too and also make the beginning setting clear too, so we know what time and place she began and what time and place she travels too.
ReplyDeleteJai